


Becoming you

by ampossible013



Category: F. T. Island, ONE OK ROCK
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, More angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 03:59:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14866190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ampossible013/pseuds/ampossible013
Summary: I can do it in love and find you anywhere...





	Becoming you

**Author's Note:**

> So there is this rumour that Toru is dating this girl who is a music show announcer Hironaka Ayaka. Quite upsetting for me to know about this, though we don't know how real that rumour is. So I think this is a good time to post a Toruka angst, letting everyone drown into it. Unsure will there be a happy ending for this, but sometimes things just doesn't work as what you expected.

Taka has dated a few in his life, he dated a girl that is much older than him when he was still in high school - kissed a few too. In the end all of his relationships went into failure, he suffered in heartbreaks for a few times, especially when he had gave his all in his relationship but to no avail. Those heartbreaks again and again; those breakup drama that seems to be taking place again and again in his life, only with a different female character every single time. At only a young age, he tasted the bitterness of reality, learning it in a painful way that not everyone can be trusted.

 

He was afraid to fall in love again because he is afraid to lose his significant other. Taka is the kind of person that gets emotionally attached to a person really easily, which is no surprise as he is a sentimental person.

 

He was tired of pleading that person to stay by his side; he was tired of crying to sleep because his heart has been shattered; he was tired of throwing himself into nightclubs, dancing, drinking and partying just to forget about his breakup, forget about the person he loves yet hurts him.

 

And then he met Toru.

 

He was absolutely confused about his feelings when he noticed that his heart couldn't stop thumping and his hands will start sweating whenever he initiates physical contact with Toru. Be it holding his hand, touching his shoulders or hugging him. Despite that uncomfortable sensation within him, he enjoyed it whenever he is with close proximity with Toru. Most of all, he enjoyed Toru's company with him.

 

From friends to more than friends, it was the best day of his life when Toru told him that he likes him. In fact he was more than happy to know that Toru has been liking him for quite some time too, and that Toru was also hiding his feelings towards him, probably also confused with the fact that he falls in love with a person from the same gender.

 

It was definitely not easy going out together as a couple for them, having to hide their relationship from the public not only because their relationship is taboo in their society where homosexual relationship is not widely recognised, but also because they are not ready to let their fans know about their personal relationship. Being a celebrity in Japan is not easy especially when it comes to keeping their personal life secret.

 

But with Toru by his side, no matter how hard is it, everything gets better, even if it's just a little bit.

 

Their relationship started off successfully, probably because both of them get the chance to express their long-hidden love to each other, both of them couldn't wait to unleash their undying love to each other. All the nights where they kiss each other goodnight after a long day, cuddling together to sleep, waking up in each others' arms, smiling blissfully and feeling grateful that they have each other by their side. The times where they give each other a big hug after every of their live performances, congratulating each other for their good job and thanking each other for working hard to deliver their best to their best. The times they go for dates, wanting to hold each others' hand but they couldn't; wanting to hug each others' shoulders to protect each other but they couldn't; wanting to at least steal a quick peck on each others' cheeks, forehead and lips but they couldn't. Because of their reputation, because of their band's future, because of their privacy, that their relationship cannot be known to the public. How the public is going to look at them if they decide to be openly gay towards each other? How the public is going to accept their relationship?

 

Just like every typical love story, there are always conflicts that arises, attempting to ruin their relationship. Just like every typical relationship, they started off being sweet, loving, tolerating and kind to each other, but after being together for a while, all the above feelings disappeared, being replaced with more conflicts, more arguments, more misunderstandings and more ignorance.

 

Where are all the security and ease that Toru gave him? Where are all the promises Toru gave him, that he will stay by his side no matter how? Where are all the words of encouragement whenever Taka is crying because of a petty mistake?

 

When two people are together for a while, they tend to get used to each other. The love and care towards each other will fade, as they take each other for granted.

 

It should be a beautiful love story, a beautiful fairy tale taking place in real life where happily each other exists. But in the end fairy tales will always remain as fairy tales, in reality things will always be different, if not the complete opposite. Taka had that realization because he felt all his insecurity, his fear, his frustration - crashing down towards him - again.

 

He got so used to Toru that he forgot how important is Toru to him.

 

_Toru got too used to Taka that he forgot how they started getting together._

 

___________________

 

 

"Taka," It was a normal day after a few hours of recording and making songs with their members and producers.

 

"Yeah?" Taka turned around to face Toru, meeting Toru's eyes --

 

"Can I tell you something please?"

 

Taka nodded "Go ahead, what's wrong?"

 

"I'm seeing someone now."

 

\-- dead, tired and expressionless.

 

"Does that mean… you are breaking up with me?" Taka's voice was barely a whisper, his sadness evident in his voice, but he nevertheless chose to keep as calm as possible, not wanting to show a hint of sadness.

 

"I don't know…"

 

"Is that the reason why…" Taka looked down, not wanting to face Toru, "You told me you are not at home yesterday night, so that I won't come over to disturb your date?"

 

Toru didn't answer but he let out a soft sigh.

 

Taka did the same.

 

They both remained silent for a few seconds until Taka spoke again. "It's okay, I know I should not be so selfish… You deserve your happiness, and I know you no longer like me that much like you used to."

 

Toru's jaw almost dropped hearing Taka's answer. He was expecting Taka to break down into tears, crying and pleading him not to leave him; but Taka's reaction was the total opposite, not to mention the tone of his voice and him looking at the ground, probably having too much hatred towards himself.

 

Taka knew it.

 

"I always know that you are not gay, you have been saying that from the start, though you ended up putting down your dignity to date me… But I'm still a man like you…

 

I guess you are destined to be with a girl, get married with her and have a happy family together." Taka looked up at Toru --finally-- and smiled at him.

 

He tenderly stared at Toru as if Toru is the most precious thing in his world, giving him the soft and blissful smile that is enough to melt Toru's heart. But how can he still smile like that when he knows that Toru is going to break up with him?

 

Probably he was just forcing it?

 

"Thank you for all the memories you gave me. I was genuinely happy to be with you, you gave me so much love for the past few years, I was really blessed to have you as my boyfriend.

 

But I guess we are not destined to be together? Our time is up, it's time for me to let another person love you, and to give you whatever that I am unable to…" Taka was still smiling, still no evident of tears. Toru was surprised how Taka managed to remain so calm and so 'cheerful' despite Toru dropping a bomb towards him that he is dating someone else.

 

"Be happy, okay?" Taka's voice cracked, Toru can see the pair of eyes staring at him beginning to get glassy. He knew he was hurting Taka and he felt guilty for doing that.

 

"Treat her well, love her with all your heart and soul. Don't worry about me… I will be alright and I'll get used to my life without you." Taka reached his hands out to grab Toru's, while looking right into his eyes. This will be the last time they hold each others' hands as a couple.

 

"You know I really, really, really wanna hug you, cause I know I won't have the chance to do that again…" Taka again looked away from Toru. "But I know I will be more unwilling to let you go if I do that… so…" At a loss of words, he continued staring at the ground "… I guess I'll just leave it here?" He looked up at Toru again, taking a good look of the man whom he had devoted his 5 years with. He knows he was more than unwilling to end their relationship this way, but it's obvious that Toru doesn't like him anymore, he's seeing someone else and is likely to get into a relationship that is accepted not judged by society. Because it's not questionable for a man and a woman to be together, but it's definitely a no-no for two men to be together, no matter how much they love each other.

 

"I love you. Always be happy with her, okay?" Fighting and blinking back his tears, Taka smiled at Toru before turning away, knowing that he is going to burst into tears once he turned around.

 

5 years of relationship ended in a glimpse. Didn't know why it's so painful this time.

 

 

_____________________

 

 

He has been telling himself for the umpteenth time to not think about Toru anymore, because Toru is no longer giving a single shit about him. He is happily dating that girl, they recently went to a restaurant together, clinging arms while chatting happily. She even stayed in Toru's apartment overnight after having their dinner together.

 

Taka was not jealous that he was replaced by that girl, all he felt was despondence and disappointment that he couldn't be with the man that he loves so much. 5 years of relationship is no joke, Taka was already long relieved and was positive that they will move towards eternity together, but turns out that it was no difference from his past failed relationships -- apart from being more painful -- he didn't know how is he going to date someone again, knowing that 5 years of relationship can be ended so easily.

 

Looking at the home screen of his phone, scrolling through so many pictures of him and Toru together, no tears trickling down his phone screen and dampening it. Not that he is sad, but he was crying too much that he probably used up all his tears or that he was just too exhausted from all the crying.

 

How can he forget Toru? How can he possibly move on? After so many precious memories he had created with this man, and that person who gave him so many beautiful and unforgettable memories is now a memory.

 

The worst feeling is that when you were fighting so hard to be with that person, but he is no longer fighting and he no longer thinks that it's impossible to let you go.

 

He knows Toru has long moved on from their relationship, but he just couldn't move on at all. Drowning in the pain that love gave him, his heart and soul severely injured. How is it possible for him to love again?

 

 

_And every day I think of you_

_And every time all I need is you_

_I live, carrying all the beautiful memories with you_

_And every day I think about you_

_And every time to time I need you_

_I restarted my life that was in a standstill._

_I love you._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Taka :((  
> Anyone got emotional reading it?


End file.
